Lousy Mom

Ever feel like there's a sure-fire way to bring out your weaknesses to their fullest? For me, that way is Pregnancy. I feel like an absolute failure and disaster in almost every regard of my life (my house, motherhood, my callings and my marriage). I get so sick, tired, and "lazy" that the things I normally do fly out the window.

• The laundry gets washed but I'm lucky if I fold it within 2 days. If we are really lucky I'll actually get it out of the basket and put it away, but usually not until someone is asking for some clean underwear or something. (normally I have one laundry day a week and get it all done and put away that day).
• The dishes may or may not get washed for the day (when I normally wash them after each meal and have my kitchen spotless).
• I no longer care that legos are constantly spread across the floor nor that the floor needs to be swept so that the ants will go away, nor that the toilets don't get deep-cleaned at least once a week.
• I lean on quick-fix-fat-filled-preservative-reeking meals and loath cutting fresh vegetables (which are usually my favorite thing to eat). We eat way too much junk food when I am sick and it probably makes me more sick! How's that for a catch 22?
• While I normally have a 1-2 hours of TV/day 5 days a week rule, some days it is all I can do to sit on the couch and watch TV to stay awake while my kids ruin the house.

It's like this never-ending black hole of repetitive destructive behavior. I don't cook, clean, show compassion, or show a good example. I yell, make mean faces, get very impatient very quickly, forget things, get selfish, yell, watch more tv than ever, did I mention yell? Who am I? YUCK.

Today was one of the worst days of this pregnancy and I feel disgusting! This morning, with Kaylie safely out the door, the 3 little ones are basically on their own while I lay comatose on the couch and watch a movie on lifetime. How pathetic. [Part of me wonders what I'd be doing with my time if I didn't have cable. After all, we've only had cable for about 2 months now out of our entire marriage, and I already seem addicted. It is like the only thing that tends to get my mind off the discomfort and urge to purge.] Today I watched 2 movies before lunch time. I don't know that I've done that in my entire life! I feel disgusted, disgusting, and disappointed with myself. I am constantly fighting this battle in my head:

"I should be entertaining my kids and teaching them, reading to them and singing them songs.... (doing the things that I normally do when I'm feeling good)" ie: TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS
VS.

"If I get up off of this couch I"m going to lose whatever is in my stomach and it's not worth the cost, I guess I will have to let the TV raise my kids for the next few months." ie: TAKE CARE OF MYSELF

Yesterday I woke up and felt normal for the first day in 3 months! HOORAY! I splurged and went to playgroup at the park with our ward and the kids had a blast! I even brought a picnic lunch (which I normally do at least twice a week). They took really great naps, and so did I! Today, nap time seemed non-existant. I put the kids down and tried to sleep, but with all three of them crying and whining, after an hour I gave up. How could I possibly expect them to sleep if they'd had no exercise or activity all morning! Normally I love to take the kids on walks or to the park. Lately, I don't feel like doing anything normal. I have become my worst version of myself. Occasionally there is a bright spot in my day that says, you are going to make it through this trimester... this is only a test and you will survive, as you did all the other pregnancies. bUt THIS time around is BY FAR the HARDEST! I don't like to complain, because it never really seems to make me feel better. But, when I talk to other moms that remind me that it is normal to rely on the TV for help when you feel disgusting, or that say they yell at their kids for getting food all over their clean floor or for coloring all over the walls for the 5th time, I feel better. Why is it that misery loves company so much?

I'm just praying that I can wake up tomorrow as I did yesterday, and not like today. The good thing is I'm 12 weeks along and only have about a month left before I normally get out of the nasty stage. I have been holding as many precious newborns I possibly can because while holding them I am brought back to the real reason I am willing to go through such misery! They are all WORTH IT! I adore my kids (most of the time) and am excited to have more. It's just that this dark cloud of the first few months of pregnancy seems to loom and grow darker every day. I need to be like Nephi and shake off the natural man (woman) and be okay with feeling sick and having to meet 4 others needs before me own. But why does that have to be so hard?

Shame on me for being a lousy vicitm of a mom! It will only get better from here. We had painting on our wall growing up with Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane and it said "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it" (I know that this isn't exactly scripture, but it definitely applies to how I am feeling and behaving lately). Sometimes we just need to snap out of the here and now and look at the big picture. In 7 months I will have another adorable Clark baby to hold in my arms and to teach and to love. I can't wait for that moment. Until then, I resolve to do a better job at living that moment in my head to overcome the little moments that seem too overwhelming right now!