I'm a Moody Mommy

I don't know what is wrong with me lately but it just never seems like I can get enough "me" time and I feel like I'm going crazy. I honestly feel like I am getting angry over the littlest things all day long every day. I confess there are days that I feel like a horrible, terrible, no good very bad person. I feel like a failure and am disgusted at myself. I say things that no one should ever say, especially to their own kids, and I act like a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Then I wonder why my kids yell at eachother and fight and get mad so easily. Oh what a wicked web I have weaved. I have been trying so hard and feel like I keep repenting of the same sins over and over and begging for help with the same things every day. It makes me wonder if Heavenly Father is sick and tired of me asking for help and I pray that He feels my efforts are sincere and heartfelt. The scriptures tell us not to offer vain repetitions and give us the assurance that once we have repented the Lord will remember our sins no more. What happens then when someone keeps committing the same sins? I feel stuck in a rut and don't really know how to get out of it. I love my children and husband more than life itself and most of the time I seem content with my life of constantly playing clean up and catch up after all the messes being made at a mile-a-minute pace. But at times I simply feel overwhelmed and want it all to end. I cry and yell and yell and cry and say that I want out.

Now, I don't really mean that I want out for good nor that I want to die... what I am feeling in those moments is complete frustration over the fact that I have so little control over my life and surroundings. I like control. THere, I'll say it: I am a CONTROL FREAK. So, how do I stop being that way? I have no idea. I can't stand it when my house is a mess. I hate having to clean the same things more than 5 times in a day. I don't like not being listened too. I hate being whined at and yelled at and cried at and expected to be lovey-dovey and compassionate when little people get hurt every 10 minutes in the day.

No, I don't really want out for good. I want out for a few hours, maybe in my dreams even a few days. And guess what? When I was having a melt down for the umpteenth time last week I had an epiphony... I need more Me time. What's that? Well, for me it consists of anything that involves me and no one else.... time where I can drive away from the house and not be expected to come home within an hour nor take anyone with me. I was talking to my fellow mom friend about it and she gave me the idea to schedule time at the beginning of the month, with Nate, using a calendar, for ME! It's brilliant! I was scared to ask Nate, as I always am, not because he would have a bad reaction or not support me but because I'm a wimpy wife. I expect things and yet never ask for them, then I get mad when they don't happen and poor Nate gets treated badly for something he has no idea that I expected him to do. It's unfair and not wise. It doesn't work and hasn't made either of us happy. So, I need to change. Therefore, when I want something done or need something.... I WILL ASK FOR IT!!! What an obvious and wonderful idea. Why didn't I think of it?

So, after this realization guess what happened? I told Nate that I needed me time and he agreed!!! Since then I have had 3 days in which I have been able to leave the house all by myself and go run errands by myself. That's right... no car seats, no tantrums, no crying or fighting in the car. Just me and the radio and grocery ads. What a dream! I love it. I look forward to my new and improved life. I know this will help me be less stressed out and more like my fun-loving happy self again. Yippee!